Move On and Break Down
by IlovetowriteSMP
Summary: After Cooper Barrett's death, Maxie and Logan lean on each other to survive. Lomax. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Move On and Break Down**

_**LoMax.**_

The title comes from the Mat Kearney song Breathe In and Breathe Out.

**Chapter One**

**May 2008**

She sits at a table outside of Kelly's, sipping her vanilla latte, in her cute size two dress and her cute size five shoes, pretending as if the world is a beautiful place and she is a happy girl. Maxie started this game on the day she got hired by Kate Howard and now she is really good at it. Its like the games Spinelli plays on his laptop but it's real life. She can be this character who has a fantastic career and is moving up in the world, who isn't ugly inside, isn't sad, and has never lost anyone that she has loved. She's getting better and better at this game everyday and soon she will surely be an expert. She'll be _that girl_- the happy one who doesn't think too hard- rather than the one who stood by her sister's grave, hating everyone in the world, especially herself, for still being alive while Georgie lay dead.

But on this particular sunny spring day, Maxie's little fantasy world grinds to a hard halt when Logan rounds the corner, heading for the back entrance to Kelly's diner. The only indication that he sees her at all is how he tilts his head away from her, his eyes dropping to the ground rather than meeting hers, and a pained half smile forms on his lips. Something crackles in the very air between them, and before she can even take in another breath a dam breaks in her heart. The guilt mixes with pain and flows like an out of control river rushing through her veins. She can actually feel it moving beneath her skin. No matter how much she liked being single minded and happy, she can't just feel those placid, safe emotions anymore.

She's feeling everything she would rather not and it nearly makes her pass out. She hates him- for making her feel all this again. _Damn you, Logan Hayes_, she curses silently.

She'd like to smack him senseless. Like to tell him that he can go to hell. That he can't smile now that Cooper is gone, and that she doesn't appreciate him walking by and messing up her good day. That she has no intention of giving over her life over to serving some penitence that won't change a thing- even though she thinks Logan should do just that. Half of her wants to cuss him out...but the other half wants to say_ I'm sorry_. Everything inside of her is swirling around so fast that she can't figure out which side is winning the internal battle.

He's gone from her sight before she can say a word, leaving her sitting there at the table with her mouth in a O shaped, her perfectly glossed lips quivering, and all the memories she never wants to think about again rolling around in her head.

XXXXXXXXXX

Logan takes the stairs two at a time. He tries to make his mind blank. He does not want to dwell on seeing Maxie a minute before. He doesn't want to think about her, about the past, or about what he is about to do. He just wants to_ do it _and get it over with.

Ever since Cooper died he knew he had to do this but it wasn't something he looked forward to. He'd let Lulu and Johnny and then getting bashed in the head with a wrench distract him for a few months but now it's time to face this and get it over with. God knows, he's stalled long enough.

He had asked Mike Corbin about renting Coop's old room but found out someone else had already moved in there- some nurse from General Hospital named Regina. After sneaking around the hospital and chatting up Nadine, he found out Regina's schedule and decided to sneak in when she was at work. She'd never know the difference, he figured. Logan could have just asked her to let him in but that thought had honesty never crossed his mind.

Besides, he doesn't want an audience for this.

The memories will flood his mind, he's sure of it. Iraq, roadside bombs, guns jamming, always looking out for each other, his only brother...the blonde that pulled them apart. How she was worth losing Cooper over and how Logan hated knowing what a bastard that made him to still think that to this day. All of that is about to hit him and he doesn't want anyone looking at his face when it does.

Blank is so much better. He wants to stay blank forever now. But he knows that's impossible because Logan is the type who feels everything too deeply to ever stay detached for long. He's obsessive, he's bitter, he's violent; he is everything that scares the world off. Except Cooper. Except Maxie. But they are both gone from his life now. Gone for good. One in the ground, the other not wanting to ever see him again.

And if he doesn't see her he has a much better chance of staying shut down, so Logan isn't about to seek Maxie out. _Hell no_, he thinks as she stops in front of Cooper's door with her still on his mind.

Looking down the hall in both directions, he makes sure he is alone and then drops to his knees in front of the door, pics the lock and slides into the room. His eyes flutter close for a second. Logan

thrusts the image of Cooper hanging from the rafters out of his mind. He fights to stay blank. Blank is the only way he can get through the next five minutes.

XXXXXXXXXX

Maxie moves on instinct. Her heels click on the stairs, the sound echoing in her mind as images dance behind her eyes of all the things she should have never done and all the love she couldn't manage to hold onto. She's thumping with pain and wants to find someone to take it out on.

She jogs down the hall. The doors are all closed but she is sure she knows which room Logan is in. Her skin is warm and flushed by the time she flings the door open. He is crouched down in the corner of the room, with a floorboard lifted, pulling out a yellow manilla envelope.

Like cruel balls of fire she spits her words at him. "Stealing from a dead man? You've never heard of the word shame, have you?"

He stands up slowly, with no emotion on his face or in his eyes, looking so still and cold that she feels a shiver go down her spine. "This ain't got a thing to do with you."

"What is that you're holding?" She stomps toward him. "Let me see."

As she reaches for the envelope, Logan jerks it high in the air over her head. "Get out of here. Go back to pretending you don't know me."

"I swear, Logan, don't start with me. If it has to do with Cooper you can't keep it from me!" She wishes she felt as strong as she sounds. Her eyes thunder with a million confused emotions as she stares Logan down.

"Oh, _can't I_? What you plan on doing about it?"

She spins around quickly, her hair whipping against his chest, and heads for the door, nearly screaming "Mike! Mike! You have an intruder up here. You better call the-"

His hand wraps over her mouth. They both freeze. She smiles against his fingers, knowing she has won.

"Fine," Logan says in a resigned tone. But he doesn't move away right away. He leans down and speaks close to her ear. "But don't say I didn't warn you."

She's never heeded a warning in her life and doesn't plan on starting now. He lets go of her and moves away. She could just leave. Walk out on him and the past. Go back to her game. It was such a fun game- really, she loved it. Career Girl on the Go. Career Girl didn't cry herself to sleep. Career Girl didn't wonder what might have been. Career Girl wasn't afraid of living and dying and making love. She really wanted to be her, and though a part of Maxie was in _everything_ that persona was, it wasn't all of her. Not by a long shot.

She just wasn't that simple.

And all the ways she was complicated were the same ways Logan was. He had to be in this room, confronting Cooper's ghost, and as long as he had to be...then she would too. Because he wasn't about to know something about the man she had loved that she didn't. Her curiosity, her need to finally be in a room with Logan and prove that she could survive all she felt, and her pure stubbornness keeps her from running out the door. Instead she closes and locks it, and then turns to face Logan again.

The silence lingers for a long moment. Two pairs of cold, angry eyes stare each other down. They have no one else left alive to blame for all they've done wrong, and no one left to tell them it really wasn't that bad. No one left to grant forgiveness. And so they blame each other- because twisted logic is something they both specialize in.

Maxie reaches for the envelope again, ready to rip it right out of his hand, but Logan takes a step back and she misses grabbing it.

Letting out a long sigh, he says "Just relax. I'll show it to you. But not here."

"Like I'm going anywhere with you."

"Like I'm staying here and waiting on the cops that your loud mouth's probably caused to be on the way."

"Fine. Whatever. You're such a whiner. You know that, right?"

"An insult. Takes me back to our lousy old days."

"Shut up."

"You want to know what is in this or not?" Logan asks.

"Lead the way."

She doesn't slide to the side, so he has to squeeze past her and this time, unlike downstairs, his eyes stay right on her. Examining, connecting, discovering all over again.

Its just like she feared. Maxie feels every emotion she knew she would ever since the day she found out that Logan had woken up from his coma: shame, hunger, regret, and thousands upon thousands of lustful butterflies moving through her stomach- beating out their need and not caring that it only made it harder on her. Logan is the one man alive who can make her facade crumble like glass,

leaving her sparkling happy go-lucky Career Girl mask laying broken on the ground.

But if she isn't_ that girl_...then who in the hell is she now?

**Note**-_ So Guza isn't going to write Logan and Maxie ever talking about Coop? That's just unacceptable. This fic will be all about if Lomax can work out their feelings about losing Cooper and about if they want to be in each other's lives now. I'm writing this because I am a big fan of Logan and think he deserved better than to have his storyline dropped on GH._


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two **

**May 2008**

Logan doesn't slow down to wait for Maxie as he heads to his truck. He jumps in, places the envelope in the visor above the drivers seat, and revs the engine. She jumps in just before he is about to drive away, shoving his shoulder."You'll have to do better than that to ditch me."

He presses down hard on the gas- feeling reckless and crazy and sad- and they fly away from the curb. Logan throws out his arm to stop Maxie from slamming into the dashboard. Every place her body touches his sparks with painful little jolts of awareness. "Better buckle up," he orders.

Running red lights and stop signs they head toward his apartment. He knows he's acting out, throwing a tantrum basically at the unfairness of it all...that Cooper died and left him to go on alone, as if he knows how to do that.

How he is driving could get someone killed. But that won't stop him. He would hate himself if he was in an accident and hurt someone else...hurt Maxie...but he does stuff to make him hate himself everyday. He doesn't know how not to. And today won't be the day he learns.

XXXXXXXXXXX

It feels right. Driving too fast across this town that holds all her memories in its blood stained hands. She would like to say she's scared, when Logan takes the country road that curves around the lake and he gets the car up to sixty in a thirty five mile an hour zone. Anyone who didn't want to die should be scared, right?

Maxie doesn't really want to die, she just doesn't really know how to live either. Unless she pretends she's someone different who doesn't have holes in her soul and patches over her heart. But sitting next to Logan makes pretending impossible.

So she closes her eyes, and its like a roller coaster ride. Her heart is pounding, the wind from the rolled down window brushes over her face, and she wants this moment to go on and on. Because when they stop, he's gonna tell her something about Cooper...something that will make her think of the man who gave her his heart and who wanted to leave Port Charles but stayed for her, died for her as he tried to catch the man stalking her. As much as she wants to know what is in that envelope, she also never wants to know. She doesn't want to hurt more. She's long past her breaking point. She broke and she shattered and she didn't get put back together again. Maxie has accepted those facts. But she's not sure how to add more heartache to what she's already caring. Yet she wants to know... and she's glad to be sitting next to Logan speeding through Port Charles. Because he gets why they both need to do something to feel alive before they sit down to talk about the dead.

All to soon for her liking, the truck slows and then Logan pulls into the parking lot of his apartment building. He shuts off the car and turns to face her. When she opens her eyes he's staring at her. The effect of looking into his eyes at such a close range makes the air start to disappear from the inside of the vehicle, and suddenly its hard for her to think straight. She uses snark to break the tension. "Don't ever become a taxi driver."

"Wasn't planning on it."

"Lets get this over with, Logan."

"Like I said back at the diner, this ain't got nothing to do with you. If you knew what was good for you...if you could ever just take the safe bet...you'd be running for the hills right now, little girl."

"I haven't been a little girl in a long time, and you damn well know it. If you're seeing all the big bad secrets in that envelope then so am I."

"Its not secrets, Maxie. Its his truth. You sure you can handle that?"

"You worry about yourself. Don't you know that bitches like me are made out of pure steel?" _If only that was true, _she silently thought_. If only..._

Smirking slightly, he shook his head. "Yeah, stick with that story. I almost bought it."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

He realizes he is still capable of feeling embarrassment when Maxie walks into his apartment and sees all the empty pizza boxes, beer cans, pill bottles from his pain medication, and old newspapers cluttering up the place. Logan hasn't felt much of anything since Lulu knocked him over the head. In the days before that, all he felt was abandoned and desperate and insane. But now Maxie is around again and he's forced to feel more than he's comfortable with...its heaven and hell being near her, like it has been since day one.

"Yeah, this place," he says as he heads for the kitchen"could use some work."

"It could use a bulldozer knocking it over. It's beyond saving."

"Just push some junk out of the way and sit down. Don't be such a princess."

"Some of us are just born that way."

He doesn't want to turn around and look at her again- especially knowing what's coming when they open the envelope- but he simply can't help himself.

Logan loves the way she can't hide anything she's feeling. Her anger, her pain, her joy, her hope and her fears always radiate right off her skin. Even when she's trying so hard to lie to him, and to herself, and to the world...Logan knows just what is running through that twisted mind of hers. She won't leave until she sees what's in the envelope...and once she does see it...she will either want to stay the night, want to forget and remember all at once with him, or Maxie will walk out and never look back. Because her memories of Cooper will be enough to keep her warm at night- because his dead best friend can do more for her than Logan can. Or maybe she will feel just the opposite.

He can't be bothered to decide which one he hopes she does. Because if he's honest with himself, and admits that deep down he is actually dying for her to stay, he'll only feel like hell when she doesn't.

Its much better to feign disinterest to whatever level he can muster it up. He asks her "Want a beer?"

"Beer makes you fat."

"More for me then." Cracking one open, he walks out into the living room area and sits on the arm of the chair, while she sits on the couch, looking all perfectly coiffed right next to a pile of his assorted garbage and clothes.

He asks "So, how you been?" He can't keep the come on out of his tone, courtesy to all the thoughts going through his head. Its so much easier to think of what it would feel like to lean over and press his lips to hers again, the way his gut would clench and how she might moan, then it is to think about what he is about to show her.

"Like you care. Lets get on with this."

"Just trying to be polite." He shrugs. "Thought we'd treat each other like humans today. For a change of pace."

"Logan- " her tone holds a warning that he hears as _Don't make me talk about how I feel_. But he can't stop himself. He wanted to drag this moment out a little more, even if he didn't want to think too hard about why he was feeling that way.

"Seriously, I hear you got yourself a great big job as secretary or something."

That brings out the fire out in her eyes. "Secretary, my ass. I'm a personal assistant to the famous former Couture magazine editor Kate Howard. She's starting a new magazine and, I'll have you know, I've been an instrumental part of the project."

"With Lulu, right?" He can't help but stroke the flames.

Her eyes harden. "Yep. And she talks about Johnny incessantly. So annoying. I'd shove a gag in her mouth if I didn't need her to answer the phones. Its always _Johnny is so incredibly rich _and _Johnny is so good in bed_. Funny but your name never comes up. Hmmm. Easy come, easy go for her, huh?"

"You got to love rubbing that one in my face."

"It does warm my cruel little heart."

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

He chuckles. "Well as long as you get some joy out of my misfortune...guess that's all that matters."

"Don't act like I should feel sorry for you." She throws out the line in a snarky way but halfway through she starts to think about her sister and her ex-boyfriends, and everyone she can't have back. If she had been talking to anyone else but him, she never would break down but with his eyes searching hers, seeing what she wasn't saying and what she was trying not to even think. In that moment Maxie can not help but to feel more than she normally would. Her words are shaky when she adds "You lived to tell the tale after your sad little whatever- you- called- that with her. Not everyone is so lucky...Georgie wasn't...Coop wasn't...you know how many people have died in this town in the last year?" She can't really believe it but she's starting to get hysterical.

_No, God, no. I don't want to face this, _Maxie thinks.

But she barrels on anyway, like a train about to go off the tracks. "Emily, her dad, and that nanny of Carly's. She was the first one that Diego got...and Robin almost died. We all could have died that night. Well, not me! Cause I_ always_ make it. I _always_ survive! I_ always_..."

Logan lets out a long breath and then comes over to sit next to her, wrapping her in his arms.

Maxie sobs on his shoulder. "I'm tough like that...I make it...I'll be the last one _standing_...all alone. _All alone...oh_..." She clutches him as tight as she can, as her words trail off.


	3. Chapter 3

_Note for Chapter Three _- Even though GH never revealed Cooper's lineage, I am writing this as him being Julia's son.

**Chapter Three **

**May 2008**

Right before he takes Maxie into his arms, Logan is pretty sure that he's a _good for nothing _loser. But as he holds her, for a few moments, he is good for something...for someone...he's good at calming her down, which is a nice switch considering how easy it is for him to rile her up.

Her sobs start to quiet and she eases back from Logan. He manages to bite his tongue, till it bleeds, waiting out what she will do next. He doesn't want to say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, and for the life of him he's never been able to figure out the right thing at the right time. He's so used to making mistakes that's he doesn't trust himself to do anything but that. Usually, he wouldn't care who he hurt but her tear stained face stops him cold from barreling into his reckless move.

Maxie leans toward him, and his gaze drops from her eyes to her lips. A second later she jerks back, grabs her purse and cries out "I have to get out of here!" and then heads for the door.

"Told you. You shouldn't have come here." There goes his willpower as those words pop out straight from the dark part of his subconscious to his lips with no stop at the part of his brain that dictates self control.

She stops, with her hand on the door, and slowly turns around. "I didn't come over to hang out with you, talk about my sister, or have you play therapist, okay?! I just want to see what is in that god dang envelope." Maxie rushes across the room, grabs it off the coffee table and rips it open before Logan can stop her.

"Damn! Be careful," he hisses. "You'll tear it."

He watches her eyes as she slowly extracts the paper inside, a thicker pile than Logan expected to see, and her eyes wash over the words. She crinkles up her nose as her features turn softer. Logan pulls his eyes away from her, as he slips back in his mind to when he was in the war. Riding in the back of the truck, weighted down by his pack, with his gun resting firmly on his lap. Never knowing at what moment his life could be snuffed out. Back then, ironically, he thought he had a lot to live for...back then Cooper had already been ready to die, for the greater good. Logan looks down at the carpet, breathing in and out, knowing Maxie is just a foot away but she might as well be miles and miles from him because they are truly both lost in their own separate universes right then.

XXXXXXXXXX

The tears in her eyes nearly blinds her to the words on the page. She recognizes Cooper's handwriting right away.

"Letters," she breathes out. "Coop...he wrote letters."

The top page is dated March, 23rd 2005. It starts_ Dear Mom_...Maxie scans the page quickly and then flips to the next one and the next. There is a letter there addressed to Aunt Brenda, and one addressed to Logan. There's one to someone named Kaitlyn. All from 2005 and then the date changes to November 2007.

There's one to Mac, Maxie stops and reads the first line of that letter: _Sir, I hope that you found my service in the PCPD to be up to the standards you set. I never wanted to disgrace the badge you trusted me with but before I ever entered the police academy I did dishonor myself and all the morals I believe in when I took part in the robbery of the Metro Court Hotel_.

Maxie sinks down onto the couch, as her legs finally give out underneath her. She looks at the next letter- _To my brother_, another one says _To my father _and finally the last reads _Dear Maxie_. Her face crumbles, as a low moan slips out her lips.

"Why...why, Logan? Why didn't you want me to see these? He wrote to me! You should have told me." She beat at his arm. "You're so selfish. How dare you keep this from me! How dare you!"

Like lightening, his hand shoots out and wraps around her wrist. His red rimmed eyes, dry of tears but haunted and filled with pain, connect with hers. "Chill. He wrote those in Iraq. I didn't know he added one more for you."

"And another for you and one for Mac. He confessed to being Three."

"No one's _ever _seeing that."

"It's his last wish."

"To smear his good name? Forget about it." Logan stands up, walks back to the kitchen and takes out another beer, which he chugs down. Then he turns on the faucet and splashes water onto his face.

Maxie springs to her feet. "You don't get to make choices for Coop now."

"The hell if I don't, darlin. _I'm _the one he told about those letters...in Iraq and when we moved here."

"Before or after you screwed him over by sleeping with his girl?"

Just the look on his face answers her question- it had been before.

XXXXXXXXX

_She thinks she knows me so well_, Logan tells himself. _Knows every way to hurt me is more like it...and every way to save me, but she ain't never been interested in that, has she_?

Logan tells her "Listen up, _I'm_ the one who he trusted to do the right thing with them and that letter to your police commish Pops is getting burned. You want to see some news article about the slain cop who was really a crook with Coop's face staring up off the page? Cause I don't."

"Of course I don't. I'm the only one who kept my faith in him till the last second of his life and beyond, unlike you. He wasn't even cold yet and you were thinking he was a killer."

Logan takes in a short breath, then grits his teeth. "Low blow."

"Oh, did I hurt you? I highly doubt it. Don't pretend like my loss and your loss is the same...it can't be."

"You just love to fight with me, don't you? Can't get enough of it, it seems. Now you want to fight about who loved Coop more-" he advances toward her, his eyes blazing with fury and heartache.

"I did!"

"Who knew him better-"

"Me again!"

"Who believed in him more, needed him more, who went crazier when he died..." Logan wraps his fingers around her wrists "who cried harder, who's lonely now, who Coop forgave...who would be by his side right now if he was alive? That what you want to fight about, Maxie? Cause none of that brings him back. That's why..." _I can't look at you anymore, no matter how much I want to, _he finishes silently. Leaving go of her wrists, Logan says "Forget it. Take your letter and get out."

"No. What were you going to say? That's why...what?"

"That's why I knew there was no point in me and you talking to each other since Coop died. I can't do a thing to make you feel better and you sure as hell aren't helping me to right now. So go run off and see Spinelli. I can't understand a thing he says but whatever it is, it surely makes all your pain all better, right? RIGHT?"

He knows what her answer will be before she even opens her mouth to breath out the word "Yes."

"So good. Go."

Cooper's goodbye letters, Logan is sure, was only gonna make Maxie miss him more, and ache worse. He wonders if he would have told her if he knew there was a letter for her...but how could he not tell her? It was all that was left of Coop that Maxie could have, and even if Logan is cold and heartless, he isn't cold enough or heartless enough to deny her that.

He says " I'll handle sending the rest of the letters where they need to go. Coop gave me all the addresses years ago. I've even been to his mom's place right after we got out of the service." He remembered the fancy penthouse suite, how sterile it was and how out of place he felt. He never wants to step foot inside of there again but lies "Maybe I'll go to Virginia and hand deliver it myself."

"No, you won't. Because the only thing worse than going to see his grave would be seeing his mom's eyes when she takes that letter from your hand."

"I can handle it. Don't you know I made it through living in a war zone? I made it through you. I can make it through anything."

A ghost of a smile curves her lips. "Well aren't you the tough guy all of a sudden?"

Their eyes met and soften, as the air in the room changes and all the tension slides away. There emotions are like live wires, sparking all over the place, and only in the rare calm moment can they truly think again. He knows that they push each other's buttons so much that it's a reckless choice to be in the same room together, and before right now he was pretty sure he didn't want to have her back in his life, but with the thought of her walking out the door in any minute looming over Logan...he can't help but reconsider. At least with her around he feels alive. If Maxie Jones is anything...she's the one who when she walks into a room brings every eye to her and every person feels her energy, whether she's smiling or about to explode.

He knows as soon as she goes home today his apartment will feel like a tomb. But still he picks up her letter from out of the pile and says "Maybe you want to read this with Spinelli around or your Pops or somebody. Or at least a bottle of tequila. So if you want to do some damage you'll be too drunk off your ass to make it out the door."

She chuckles, softly. "That's more your style. I'm cutting back on drinking because I won't fit into any of the couture dresses that Kate gets in as samples if I bulk up."

Giving her a once over, Logan says "The last thing I would call you is bulky."

"Keep your eyes in your head, buddy."

"Not like I don't have the mental images stored already."

She gently pushes at his arm. "Well press delete on that file."

"You even sound like Spinelli now."

"There are worse people I could sound like. He's...been really good to me."

"Well, good for him and for you. Good." He knows he's bitter but he's not sure why. Didn't he get over Maxie long ago?_ Sure, I did_, he tells himself. _Sure._

"Maybe...maybe we should have turned to each other, Logan, after Cooper died. We did, after all, know him best...both of us knew him...knew how much he deserved to still be here.. Maybe it would have made sense. But, you know, nothing was making sense back then and I...just couldn't."

"That's the closest you have ever come to apologizing to me." Logan walks over to the door and opens it, the looks up. "Nope the sky isn't falling."

Maxie rolls her eyes. She grabs her purse, shoves the letter inside and then walks out. They get back into the car and drive to Kelly's, not saying a word to each other as the radio plays Black Hole Sun.

Once they in the parking lot, she asks "Can I trust you to get those letters into the right hands? Its...the last thing either of us can do for Coop, now. If you can't or won't...then I will."

"I got it. It might have taken me a few months to work up to this...but I can handle it now."

"Are you gonna read all the letters?" Before can so much as open his mouth to answer, Maxie adds "And don't lie to me about it."

"Probably." It was the only way to hear what Coop had been thinking before he died and Logan wouldn't pass up the chance to do that, whether it was morally right or wrong.

"If he mentions me in them...in the later ones...will you tell me?"

Logan nods. He stares at Maxie, wondering if this is the last time they will ever be alone together, and watches as her face transforms before him. She becomes light and airy, plastering on a smile that seems real enough...if you don't really know her, that is.

"Bye, then! I've got shopping to do. The mall closes in about an hour and I'm craving a new pair of heels." She jumps behind the drivers seat, checks her hair and make up in the mirror, shakes her head in dissatisfaction at the image of her blotchy from crying skin , but her smile never falters.

He admires how quickly she can push her feelings down. He'd love to learn her trick. Logan is just not that lucky, though, because even after Maxie drives away he is left standing there, staring at the spot she used to be, and feeling all the mixed up emotions that always come along after he tangles with her.


	4. Chapter 4

**Move On and Break Down**

_**LoMax.**_

The title comes from the Mat Kearney song Breathe In and Breathe Out.

**Chapter Four **

**May 2008**

Pushing the days events to the back of her mind, Maxie heads to the mall and buys three pairs of shoes she can't afford. When she gets home, she bypasses the kitchen- another night where she skips dinner, which is so common for her that she doesn't even really think about the missed meal at all.

If someone was around, anyone at all, she could keep her cheery persona going and gossip about Federico or Kate or Sonny or what was going to be in the first issue of Crimson. But the house is empty. She's doing pretty good at not thinking or feeling or remembering until she has to walk past Georgie's bedroom in order to get to her own.

She hasn't gone inside since her sister died, but today she gently pushes the door open and walks in. After flipping on the light, she looks around the room at all the things her sister owned: the shelves after shelves of books, the computer with her half-finished novel on it, the teddy bear from Dillon that she still slept with, and the pamphlets about Europe. Maxie sits on the bed. She opens her purse and pulls out the letter from Coop. Slowly unfolding it, she runs her hand over it to get out the wrinkles.

_You can do this_, she assures herself, _Just look down. Just read his last words to you_.

Even now, with Coop gone, she feels guilty when she thinks about the way she loved him. Promising all her heart but giving less...wanting to feel the rush of madness Logan brought out in her more than she wanted to be a good girlfriend to Coop...lying to his face _"It was all about revenge_" and then telling the truth when it was nearly too late to matter. Cooper hadn't deserved her loving him any less than one hundred percent, and she knew from the moment she saw Logan that she couldn't give Coop that, no matter if it was what she had wanted to do most. Now Coop is gone. There will never be another chance to make it right again. There is only this letter ...and Logan...left now. Her two ties to Cooper, and both frighten her and comfort her.

She wants to be able to never go around Logan again but after seeing him this afternoon, he has crawled from her subconscious to the conscious part of her mind again. There's plenty she didn't say to him earlier. Like_ I tried to kill you while you were in a coma_ and _I kiss Johnny because he's off limits...but when I do...I sometimes picture you._

Logan is the one guy who makes her feel completely turned upside down. Its impossible to stay calm around him, impossible to keep from wanting to kiss him, impossible to feel nothing, impossible to not be guilty and regretful and mad that they have screwed it all up, that Coop is gone and they are not even really friends anymore- if they ever were at all.

Maxie doesn't like the way Logan can get her to go places in her mind and heart that she never wanted to go...but its also hard to resist the pull. Only if she doesn't see him at all can she pretend she's a different sort of girl- that cheery Career Girl who only cares about work and clothes, who never wanted to screw her boyfriend's best friend.

She knows that she has a choice to make: banish Logan from her world or else jump in with both feet and pray she doesn't drown in all the feelings he unleashes in her every time she looks into his eyes. There's no way she's making that choice tonight, though.

Tonight she will spend with Cooper. There last one together- ever.

_November 7 __th__ 2007_

_Dear Maxie, _

_Just a few days ago we went to the Black and White Ball- though not as a couple. The moment you walked in with Johnny, I wished that I had been your date. I should have been. Even though I was angry at you, that all fell away the moment that I realized we might never get off that island again. Our lives could have ended and I would have never got the chance to say to you, one last time, I love you._

_I do love you. I've loved you since the first second you ripped my mask off while we were in the vault. What a place to fall for a girl, huh? But I fell for you, Maxie. You were the most wild woman I had ever met, the bravest, the loudest, the sexiest...you made me yours with one look._

_I pray that you are reading this fifty years from now or maybe even longer. Maybe we had a nice long life together and you know without a doubt how deep my love for you runs. But if not-if we never got it right or if our time was short-just know I don't regret a thing._

_Don't spend a second beating yourself up about what went down with Logan. I know him and I know you and that explains a lot to me about what happened between you two. I almost lost you for good, didn't I?_

_But you came back to me and I thank God for that. I thought I had known love before meeting you but all I know for sure now is that you are the love of my life._

_You will only ever read this if I die first and Logan passes it on to you. If the worst happens and I have to leave you always remember that I wanted you to be happy, even more than I wanted you to be mine. I hope you feel you made the right choice by picking me. But know that I would have never hated you if you had chosen differently. I couldn't hate you, its just not in me._

_I could leave Port Charles today. This city is too dangerous to live in- especially with all my secrets and my past. But I'm not going anywhere without you. You're worth the risk to me. You're worth the pain I've felt. You're worth any kind of heartache that you might cause me tomorrow or in the years to come. I wanted to write this letter to you today because I realized I could die at any moment. Just know that as long as I was alive, my heart was yours._

_There will always be a piece of me with you. I believe in the afterlife and I believe that we can keep on eye on the people we love. So if I'm not there next to you anymore, I'm still watching out for my girl._

_Love, _

_Cooper H. Barret_.

With tears streaming down her face, Maxie lay on Georgie's bed and clutched the letter to her chest. She knows without a doubt that Cooper loved her better than she loved him...for she had given him just half of her heart...and he had given her all of his.

(_Lay down_

_and don't wake till morning.  
Close your eyes all through the night._

_  
Lay down in all your glory.  
This is a lullaby._

_  
Lay down_

_and don't wake till morning.  
Close your eyes all through the night._

_  
Lay down in all your glory.  
This is a lullaby.  
This is a lullaby._) ( Ian Janis)


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks for reading this fic!**

**Move On and Break Down**

**Chapter Five**

**May 2008**

It comes as no surprise to her when she ends up stranded on the side of the road in Canada. Typical Maxie Jones bad luck. Does she have any other kind?

If disaster is a fly then Maxie is definitely honey. She can't help but attract it.

Pulling out her cell phone she calls Sam, but it goes to voicemail right away. Lovely. Just freaking perfect. Now what? There's no way she can call Mac. He'd rush here to pick her up and then lecture her all the way home. She'll take a pass on hearing another _Why can't you be more like Robin?_ speech, when both her and Mac know it is really Georgie she is supposed to emulate. But he can't say his youngest daughter's name right now. Maybe next week that will be easier or next month or next year. Maybe never.

Maxie lets out a puff of air, rolls her eyes, and then makes another call.

He answers by saying "Don't I feel special. The big time fashion mogul takes a minute out of her day to call the loser she hates."

"Forget this..."

"Okay. Have it your way. Its forgotten."

"Logan!" Maxie stomps her foot. "Listen, you need to stop giving me attitude. This isn't the night to get on my nerves. I'm stuck at a bus stop in Canada and I have no idea when the bus is coming...or if the bus is coming. The humidity is doing nothing for my hair, not to mention the creepy, middle of nowhere, horror movie vibe this place has. You have to come pick me up right now."

"I _have_ to? I don't think so, darlin. I'm working."

"Like you actually give a damn about that job you have as a murse!"

"It pays the bills."

"Goody for you. But its not a career like I have with Kate. Slip Anthony a sedative and send the scary mob don off to dreamland for the night."

"Sure, then he can shoot me in the morning. Sounds like a plan."

"So..._what? _You're just going to leave me here?"

He let out a long breath. "How did you end up there anyway?"

"Never stow away in a mob hitman's car, its not worth the trouble. Spinelli tried to make Jason be reasonable when he found me but reasoning with Jason is like reasoning with a piece of driftwood."

"Spinelli ditched you?"  
"He didn't want to. I'll have you know that he's completely torn up over this."

"Don't even defend that kid to me...all right, tell me exactly where you are and then don't move a step till I get there. If you have me searching half the Canadian countryside for your ass...I swear, Maxie..."

She smiled and described where she was. "See you soon. Don't dawdle."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

He drives down a country road with his music playing at full blast. Every time a stray thought of Maxie and the way she messes around with his life darts through Logan's mind, he turns the music up another notch. He might blow out his speakers or his eardrums before he picks her up but that's better than thinking about her.

Logan could drive himself insane by going round and round in his head over all the reasons he should never go near Maxie again, and why he's going to anyway.

Better to just not think and get this over with. Cart her home, drop her off, and go back to pretending they don't share a twisted up past that's haunting them both to this day. Logan knows Maxie is hiding in her new life, and he can't blame her. Not wanting to see him makes perfect sense. All they know how to do is make each other feel worse...he can't save her, heal her, love her better than Coop. He knows he's no damn good for Maxie. There's nothing he can do to make her life better...even if he might just feel like his is worth living again if he was the one who did that for her.

If he could be the guy who makes her smile through her tears, and holds her naked body against his, feeling that broken heart of hers beating unsteadily underneath her skin, and know he was making her feel safer on a night when she was scared of remembering the past and too damn angry to dare dream about the future. When the past and the future just wouldn't do...he could be her present. But he won't be. Cause they can't find the words or the way to make life better when they are around each other. Logan is sure he can not be what Maxie wants or needs, so he won't even try.

_She don't need me. I...can't even think about needing her. She's not my girl_ _and I don't want her to be_, Logan thinks.

All those lies fly out of his head when he gets close to the bus stop. He can see Maxie is struggling with some guy, he has his arm wrapped around her waist and a knife up to her neck. Later Logan will thank God he acted on pure instinct because, in that moment, his head wasn't telling him to pull the truck off to the side of the road, kill the lights, and sneak up behind them.

His head was telling him only one thing:_ if she dies no one on earth will ever truly understand you again_. That singular thought repeats over and over in his head until it is one long sentence without a start or an end.

He points a gun at the back of the man's head. "Let her go..._Don't._..don't you even think about getting cute on me...I will pull this trigger and bury you where no one ever finds you again...throw down the knife. Toss it now!"

"Just listen to him," Maxie begs. "Do what he says. He will kill you."

"But I could still kill_ you_ first," the man says "It seems we have ourselves a stand off here."

"Nah..."A more reasonable man would weigh his options in this situation and try to negotiate. But Logan isn't that sort of guy. He reaches around the man, and twists his wrist back until the knife falls to the ground. One kick to his back sends him tumbling to his knees, then Logan puts the gun to his forehead. "Not quite."

Maxie stumbles away, teetering on her heels, and clutching at her throat. "Damn, did someone curse me when I was a baby or what? I can't catch a break, I swear! I can't even stand at a bus stop without getting attacked. And by a doctor, too! That will teach Mac to tell me to stop dating bad boys."

"A doctor? What in the hell? You know this guy?" Logan asks. He glares at the man in front of him, as his finger itches to pull the trigger.

"Dr. Ian Devlin, General Hospital's resident nutcase. He shot Michael and was about to shish-ka-bob me," Maxie answers.

"Don't take it personal. That was business. We can make a deal," Ian says. "I have money..."

Logan bashes him across the head with the gun, causing Ian to pass out. "There's your deal. Enjoy it."

Maxie cries "Did you kill him?!"


	6. Chapter 6

**Move On and Break Down**

**Chapter Six**

**May 2008**

"We can make a deal," Ian says. "I have money..."

Logan bashes Ian across the head with the butt of his gun. Ian passes out. "There's your deal. Enjoy it."

Maxie cries "Did you kill him?!" She checks his pulse. It beats strong under her fingers. "He's alive."

"What do you care? He was about to kill you. This is the part where you say thank you!" Logan is panting, as adrenaline rushes through his body.

Maxie gingerly steps over Ian's prone body and hugs Logan. "Oh my _God,_ talk about my life flashing before my eyes!_ Whoosh_."

As soon as he relaxes, just a fraction, and tries to hug her back she jumps away and adds "Okay, okay, you saved my life. That don't make us best friends."

Shaking his head in annoyance over how she goes from sweet to combative in five seconds flat, Logan says "Lets get out of here."

"And just leave him there? We need to call the cops!"

"I'm not stickin' around for some Canadian mounted police to come and toss me in jail for having a gun." Logan grabs Maxie's hand. "Come on."

"But he's like lethally, criminally disturbed. He could shoot another kid or hold a knife on another woman if he's not locked up."

"That's not my problem. I'm not Mr. Rogers, making the world safe for all the little kiddies in the neighborhood. This is a CYA situation, Jones."

"CYA?"

"Cover your ass. Now move it."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Maxie was never in her life so happy to hear Logan's deep, angry, southern boy from the wrong side of the tracks, voice as she was tonight when he snuck up on Devlin. She hadn't even prayed he would come in time...because it wasn't what they did for each other...saving each other...yet this time he had.

She tries to sneak a look at him as they drive back to Port Charles, just to see if there's something more there now...maybe something she missed...but he catches her.

"What are you staring at?"

"Me staring at you, Hayes? Don't you wish." Maxie focuses on the windshield in front of her, but a half of minute later she is sneaking another glance at him.

"Stop that!"

"What? You're so damn paranoid." She fusses with the radio, settles back in her seat, and then her eyes slide over to take in his profile once more.

Logan cries "Just stop! I mean it. You looking at me all gooey eyed and its freaking me the hell out. Don't go thinking I'm a boy scout just cause I didn't let that guy slice you up. I drove all the way up here, I just didn't want the trip to be a waste of my time."

"That's really sweet. You saved me because you already had a tank of gas invested in getting me home alive."

"Well I certainly didn't save you because I'm_ Coop.._..who gets kittens out of trees and helps old ladies cross the street so he can atone for his bad karma and messed up choices in the past. I'm not trying to be a better man for nobody."

"Believe me that is painfully obvious! Coop hated that he got involved with a guy like Jerry and that he hurt people that night at the Metro Court. He hated having Sonny breathing down his neck and asking him to spy at the station. But you...when you got fired by one mobster you couldn't jump fast enough into a job with another one. Even if that means you risk getting killed like every second of every day of your life!"

_Just like every other man I ever loved_, Maxie silently adds. _You'll just be another one who leaves me behind, won't you? Haven't you already_?

She adds "But who cares, right? Live fast. Die young. Hurt as many people as you can along the way. Isn't that your motto?"

"What if it is? What's it to you?"

"Its _nothing_ to me."

"Exactly. Remember that, Maxie, and we'll be fine."

"How could I forget?"

But she had...for just a few minutes...she forgot how bitter and bruised Logan is and had only remembered that he's the guy who hates the whole world but when he loves...loves with all he has..But Maxie knew that Logan didn't love her that way. And he didn't what to.

The little spark of hope that had flared in her chest dies as easily as it was born. Logan isn't gonna be anyone's hero...especially not hers. Its not because he can't...he proved tonight he can...but he'd rather not try it again. Its just too much trouble. She's too much trouble.

Maxie hardly blames him for thinking so. She completely agrees. But it would have been nice if he didn't.

XXXXXXXXX

_What the hell does this chick want from me? _Logan asks himself. _If she gives me even one more of her _You aren't that bad after all _looks..._

The last thing he wants to do is think there is a chance that him and Maxie could be...anything... to each other again. Because he doesn't know how to do for her what she needs. To be uncomplicated, to make her forget her pain, to not dredge up the past every time they meet. All he knows how to do is be a mess...and he knows Maxie is looking for something more than that. She was last year. She is now.

But Coop can't come and be her other option this time. And Spinelli picked Jason over her. So Maxie is stuck with Logan and that leaves only him to save her life this time around...if only he knew how. For he can keep her safe, keep her breathing, keep danger at bay...but he don't have a clue how to make her happy.

His eyes move over to look at her.

"What now?!" Maxie asks.

"Calm down, doll. Not everything has to be a fight."

"You always make it one."

"Yeah, well...I shouldn't have jumped down your throat for looking at me."

"You _think_?"

"But don't look at me that way, okay? Cause I'm not that guy...I'm not your hero. I'm good in a bar fight and that's what saved your life. Not my noble nature or anything I feel about you."

She thinks for a moment and then says "You know what Spinelli would say about this?"

"No and I don't give a damn."

"He'd say _Someone doth protest too much_. I think you want me convinced you hate me because you're scared to death I will figure out you don't."

"Dreaming about me being the next man you make road kill? Sorry to disappoint you, doll, but I don't like you_ like that_."

She purses her lips and says in a sing song voice, dragging out the word, "Liar!"

"You're not funny." Still the corner of his mouth curves upward as he tries to fight off a smile.

"Oh, come on, you can tell me. Go ahead. I won't make fun of you. Just how bad do you still want me, Logan? Because no one would get this worked up about someone they don't, at the least, have some kind of..." She smirks and teases him "crazy sexual fantasies about every now and then. So, why don't you drop the act, and just fess up. You still want me, don't you? If not...just say no. You know how to say no, don't you? Open your mouth and blow... out the syllables..."

Logan slammed on the brakes. The truck stops in a middle of a country road. In an flash, he invades her space, causing her to press her back against the door, as he hovers over her. "You're playing with fire, darlin."

He doesn't know why he lets her do this to him. And every damn time, too! Bait him into reacting to her. But he just can't help it. Its like she crawls into his brain and figures out just the way to turn him on, to break him down, to wreck his willpower in every way, shape and form.

A smile curves over Maxie's lips. She lifts her hand and runs it up his chest, making him jerk slightly as he gets hard. "That isn't a no, Logan."


	7. Chapter 7

**Move On and Break Down**

**Chapter Seven**

**May 2008**

Maxie teases him, her tone light and taunting. She knows she's pushing him to react and he knows that is just what she wants to see happen. She's always gotten off on thinking she has power over him...that she can make him jump. And she usually can.

"Oh, come on, you can tell me. Go ahead. I won't make fun of you. Just how bad do you still want me, Logan? Because no one would get this worked up about someone they don't, at the least, have some kind of..." She smirks and teases him "crazy sexual fantasies about every now and then. So, why don't you drop the act, and just fess up. You still want me, don't you? If not...just say no. You know how to say no, don't you? Open your mouth and blow... out the syllables..."

Logan slams on the brakes and throws the car in park. Then he moves close to Maxie, pinning her back to the door of the truck. His body presses against hers. Those breasts that he can still imagining cupping brush against his chest. He works hard to keep his mouth from moving even a millimeter closer to her.

He wants to prove he doesn't give a damn about Maxie Jones, but all he is really proving is how much he still does. He's a screw up, and he's screwing up telling her off- big time. Because instead of glaring at her menacingly and making her rethink her flirting with him, his eyes are filled with raw hunger...so dark that it matches the dark hearts beating in both of their chests.

"You're playing with fire, darlin."

She lifts her hand and runs it up his chest, making him jerk slightly as he gets hard. "That's not a no, Logan."

The smile on her lips prove he hasn't intimidated her in the least, which isn't much a surprise. She gives as good as she gets, and then some. "All you have to say...is one simple word...just say no..."

"No." He throws out in frustration. "I don't want you! You happy? You should be embarrassed, I tell you. You're shameless." Even as he says this, he doesn't move back. He's right against her, loving the feel of her chest rising and falling, and her soft breath on his neck, and the feel of her hand over his fast beating heart.

Maxie moves her hand from his chest and runs it over his collarbone, his neck and finally her fingers play with his hair. In a throaty tone, she asks him "I'm shameless? You're hitting on your dead best friend's girl...and you don't even have the guts to admit you're doing it. Be a man, Logan. Say you want me...you've always wanted me...you'll always want me...I'm irresistible to you and you.."

He shuts up her words by bringing his mouth to hers.

XXXXXXXXXX

She tells herself lie after lie, as his tongue tangles with her.

_I did it to prove a point. I did it cause he's so damn smug. I did it because he was pissing me off and its fun to rile him up. I did it because I'm bored. Because I'm mad at Spinelli. Because its easier than thinking about Coop and Georgie... ...like I always do when Logan is around. Because I'm horny. Because...because...because_...she lies and lies..._It has nothing to do with wanting Logan Hayes_.

But Maxie does want him. She wants him to grab her and make her heart race. She wants to grab him and make his body tremble. She wants him to help her forget...but all he does is make her remember. Still, she wants him, anyway. Though its painful to look in his eyes, and see reflections of her own broken heart, and its wrong to still be weak around him, knowing what they have done together...knowing they hurt Coop...knowing they survived when others who were better didn't...knowing it will make her happy and she doesn't deserve real happiness. Still she wants him...right now in this car as they sit somewhere near the Canadian border on a deserted country road.

She wants to rip his clothes off and start a fire. See if it consumes her this time or not. See if Logan is who can bring her back to life or if he will be the one who wrecks her even worse. Whatever happens she won't regret it, not this time. Because she needs this. She needs to feel something real again, and nobody else brings out her baser instincts and rawest emotions better than this man.

She digs her nails into his flesh, and then lifts one leg to wrap around him, as she rubs herself desperately closer to him...so close that she starts to moan into his mouth.

Logan breaks their kiss. His eyes are hazy with lust when he asks "You sure you know what kinda trouble you're starting?"

"You started this. Blame _yourself_."

He shakes his head, refusing to let her put this on him, as she places an open mouthed kiss on his pulse point. He tastes salty, sweat slicked, but its addictive and she kisses him over and over in different spots on his neck, until he groans.

His words are low when he says "You're seriously crazy, Maxie. You...don't even like me."

"What does like have to do with this?" she whispers as she nibbles on his ear. His hand moves up under her dress; his finger splay over her thigh, as he shifts a little and his eyes meet hers.

Logan breathes out her name, the single word a question that asks everything she is afraid to figure out.

_What do you feel for me? Is this just a game to you? What about Coop? What about how we always hurt each other? What about...never wanting to look at me again? What about...feeling too damn much...how are you gonna survive what we can do to each other_?

She hears it all in her name on his lips but she has no answers. His fingers inch closer to her center, while his eyes stay locked on hers, daring her to say anything...anything that will sped up this runaway train they jumped on or bring it too a halt. Maxie only bites her bottom lip, as her heart expands and opens just wide enough...she fears...to risk letting him back in, or letting her own heart jump out, into his reckless hands.

He pulls back and looks her dead in the eye. Her breath hitches in her throat. Time slows down until its barely even moving at all anymore.

The truck idles in the middle of the road while the radio plays Switchfoot:

_Welcome to the fallout  
Welcome to resistance_

_  
The tension is here,  
tension is here_

_  
Between who you are and who you could be  
Between how it is and how it should be_

Maybe redemption has stories to tell  
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell

_  
Where can you run to escape from yourself?  
Where you gonna go?  
Where you gonna go?_

_  
Salvation is here_

I dare you to move  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor  
I dare you to move  
I dare you to move

_  
Like today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened  
Today never happened before _

Logan's eyes stay stuck on hers, making her feel exposed, as his gaze grows more and more probing. She's sure he can see it all...every bit of her confusion. And he knows this just isn't sex. But when is it ever? Just sex...is a lie. The biggest lie of them all.

She sucks in a ragged breath, as she breaks eyes contact with him. Her words are much less certain this time when she says "You know you want me," and in her tone she is asking him to just pretend they don't share anything more than lust.

He leans close to her ear, as his fingers brush over her panties, and he asks "You think you got me all figured out, huh? I'm that easy?"

Her eyes drift close as his fingers slid beneath the thin piece of lace that is the only barrier to his touching her bare skin. "Yeah...you are...for me..."

His breath is warm over her ear as he sinks his finger into her and whispers "For you...yeah, guess you're right."

Her lips curve into a sexy smile and a second later she is whispering his name, as she stops thinking about who is winning or losing their battle of control, and just gives in to all the erotic sensations that course through her.

XXXXXXXXXXX

He knows that this will probably end in disaster. She'll take what she can from him...his time, his heart, his hope and dreams, his future plans...and just crush them in her pretty little hands. Because that is what every other woman has ever done to Logan and he doesn't see Maxie as being any more gentle.

Still he wants this. He wants to be the one who makes her go out of her mind, makes her scream and cry and ache for more. He even wants to be the guy she calls for a ride and who saves her life. He's always been looking for someone to be needed by...and someone to really need as much right back. But he doesn't think he can be who Maxie needs or wants most. She like heroes. Her daddy Mac is a hero. Her cop boyfriend, that she told Logan about, Jessie died a hero and then there was Coop, the ultimate hero in life and death and even in memory. Logan is not a hero and never will be. He can kiss her and make her body wet and warm, he can be a great distraction but he knows that won't be enough.

As good as it feels to be this close to her again, his mind is tormented with what will happen next. When she comes down off this high, looks over, and sees angry, mean, bitter Logan is the one by her side...nobody's first choice, nobody's hero.

As much as he swears to himself he does not give one damn about Maxie Jones, he is still longing to somehow be the man who makes her world right again. Who makes her smile real. Who she lets in all the way, not just into her body and not just into her head...but her heart, too. He doesn't think he will be though...doesn't think he has it in him to be.

His mind is swirl of these thoughts and more, when he brings his lips to hers again, desperate to stay in this moment that will end all too soon.

_HONK_!

Logan jerks back from Maxie and looks out the window. A car swerves around them and speeds past. He moves over behind the drivers seat and pulls the truck off the road. When he looks over at her she's fixing her clothes and is avoiding his eyes. Her skin is flushed and her breathing shallow.

_It's better that we stopped,_ he tells himself. _This way we don't go down a road we got no business being on._

"Well," Logan drags out the word "that was one hell of a pit stop."

Maxie chuckles. Her hair is over her eyes when she turns slightly toward him. He brushes it back. She gently grabs his hand and wraps her fingers around his wrist, stilling his motion. "I told you that you want me."

"A real lady wouldn't say I told you so, Maxie."

"A real gentleman would finish what he started, Logan."

"Well I'm no gentleman," he says, even as he scoots close to her again, "but I guess I could oblige."

Her hands move around his neck as they start to kiss again. He really had no idea how she gets him to change his mind so quickly every time. He starts off sure he wants nothing to do with this crazy woman who moves through his world like a wrecking ball, and then he has her in his arms and he wants nothing more than to be her everything for as long as she'll let him.

_Damn. I got to figure out what this is between us.._...he thinks to himself. But he won't be figuring it out tonight.

Tonight he hoists her onto his lap and slowly kisses her over and over, knowing that she would prefer to take it fast, but Logan doesn't give Maxie what she wants...he gives her what he can. And in this moment that means he will take as long as he can manage to make love to her, because its what he needs. He's been shut down and closed off from life since he got out of his coma, so if he's diving back into the fray, and risking feeling so much, he's damn well gonna enjoy every second of it and take it real, real slow.


	8. Chapter 8

**Move On and Break Down**

**Chapter Eight**

**May 2008**

Her night was like a roller coaster. One minute Maxie had been sure she was about to die, when Ian had a knife to her neck, and not long after she was feeling as alive as she had in months, when Logan's lips connected with hers.

She can lie and say it doesn't mean anything, that he can make her heart beat so rapidly in her chest and make her beg for more...Maxie who never begs anyone else. Ever. She just tells them what to do and tells them they better do it now before she gets pissed off. But when she is just about to crash over the edge, and Logan slows down their pace...she begs then. _Now. More. Damn you, don't stop_..._please_.

She ends up simply screaming _yes _as she lets go of months of pent-up pain, her head thrown back and her back arched as she shivers away on his lap, with his hands firmly holding her hips.

Maxie collapses against Logan, letting out a long cleansing breath. His hands caress her bare back, his fingers moving over her spine. She smiles and softly taunts him "Tell me I'm your best ever."

A sexy grin covers his lips, he lays his head back and closes his eyes. "Top five, for sure."

She gently slaps his chest.

He grabs her hand and intertwines their fingers. Maxie swallows hard. She squeezes his hand. Even though she knows it would be smart to hurry off his lap, yank on her clothes and say _Take me home, Jeeves_, she doesn't rush to get out of his arms.

Finally her head is quiet. Its not filled with all the fluff she shoved in to keep from thinking about Georgie and Coop, fun stuff like fashion and gossip and revenge plans against Lulu, and its not filled with thoughts of death and funerals and stalkers. Its just focused on Logan's slow rising chest, the way it feels when he breaths in and out, and letting this moment linger.

"Who do you think..." Logan asks slowly, and even after she's only heard that much of his question she knows what he is about to do, try and ruin this all as quick as he can "you will hate more in the morning- me or yourself?"

"What in the hell kind of question is that?"

"Well, darlin, aren't I the bullet you put in the gun when you want to kill yourself? You can't be in too good of a place...to turn to me...the man you never had any use for unless its too blow your world apart."

XXXXXXXXXXXX

She's still resting on his chest, with her hand in his, and her naked body laying on his partially clothed one, when he starts to spew out words designed to push her away. Because if he doesn't...Logan will surely want to take her home and make love to her till dawn breaks and then fall asleep with her tucked against his side.

He'll want more than he can have or her, and to offer more than he can give. He knows this is true, because its what happened before between them. One time wasn't enough. Just sex wasn't enough. But lust didn't equal love and commitment. Maxie reserves that for her heros, and he's just her loser.

Maxie straightens when he starts to ask her about if she's gonna regret this. Logan is sure she will. And it will be easier, for both of them, in the end, if she does.

_Easy_, he thinks bitterly, _What's ever been easy about me and her? No one is getting out of this the easy way_.

Logan can feel her tense up. She shakes her head, wearily, and says "Yeah, I'm in a bad place. My sister is dead! But this isn't grief sex or a bet, Logan. This isn't what it was back then... some way to test you, me, Coop. _This_ is about what you wanted tonight...what I wanted..." Maxie finally crawls off of him. "I don't hate myself for wanting you...even if you hate yourself for wanting me."

"Anymore."

She's yanking on her clothes when she mumbles, in a frustrated tone, "What?"

He works on getting his own clothes on again while saying to her "You don't hate yourself for wanting me anymore...which is a change, I got to say, doll, cause you sure used to."

"Stop with the doll shit!" She scoots close to him. "Why...why do you do this? Make everything a game."

"Like it isn't a game to you."

Maxie grabs his face and kisses him again, biting his lip, and then pulls back. "I don't know what this is...I just know what I want...I want my head to shut up, Logan. I want to be able to think straight. I want to remember but not get crushed by the memories. I want someone to know what the hell I'm feeling and not run away from me...and there's only one time I feel like that."

Maxie leans closer to him again, as she speaks her lips brush over his, "Now." She kisses him again, winding her arms around him, and pressing herself close.

A fierce wave of protectiveness wells up in Logan at the thought that he can be something for her...something she needs. Its intoxicating...its more than he dared to hope for...and almost more than he can believe is true. He wants to call her a liar.

But he also wants her to be telling the truth.

XXXXXXXXX

_This man drives me crazy_! Maxie thinks as she kisses Logan. _He can't just let well enough be, can he? No...he's always pushing...always fighting me...making me say things I didn't mean to say...do things I never meant to do...feel things I wasn't planning on feeling_.

She hates that she told him how much he can help her, if he would just stop being an ass towards her that is. If he would just kiss her and not talk so dang much. Cause all their talking leads to arguing and she doesn't want to fight right now. She wants to feel like life is more than some cosmic joke being played on the girl with the donor heart- the girl that really has no business being alive at all.

He can make her feel that way. He could give her life meaning again- as scary as that is to even think about. But Maxie knows if any man can do that it will be Logan for he knows just how much she lost, just what she was hoping for and how it got ripped away, cause he lost the same things. They gave up each other because they both wanted that perfect person to love them and make them better: Cooper and Lulu. The ones who could heal them.

But now Maxie and Logan can't look for anybody to come along and fix them. They can only cling to each other in the middle of this madness and maybe...that will be enough. She knows he can make her feel too much, but he can make her feel something...and that's really the point. Her pretend world was never a place she could stay forever, but the real one isn't a place she can face alone.

She brushes the palm of her hand over the stubble on his jaw, as she pulls out of their kiss. "Don't be an idiot and ruin this."

"This, Maxie? What's this? Do you even know...do you really want to know?"

"Don't try and be a deep thinker, Hayes. Enjoy this. You've got the hottest babe in town all over you."

He chuckled. "If I was a smarter man..."

"What?" she asked, her tone suddenly hurt. "You'd stay away from crazy ass Maxie?"

"No...I would just do this," he quickly kissed her again "and not ask questions."

"So...be a smart man, for once."

Her runs his hands through her hair, drawing her face close to him once more. "I'll try anything once.


	9. Chapter 9

**Move On and Break Down**

**Chapter Nine**

**May 2008**

Maxie falls asleep as Logan drives the rest of the way back to Port Charles. When he gently shakes her awake, they are parked in front of her house**. **

Her eyes flutter open and connect with his. So light and usually so cold, but tonight they are filled with lingering traces of lust, fear, pain, regret, hope, and worry. She wonders how he can stand feeling so much all at the same time. It seems a heavy weight to carry but then again Maxie carries all the same emotions in her every day too. She is just better at compartmentalizing.

She smiles and jokes "You got us home without crashing. Good job. Thanks for the ride."

"Yeah, no problem. A little attempted murder of a psycho doctor, a little slap and tickle on the side of the road. All in a night's work."

She rolled her eyes. "Speaking of work...will Anthony be out for blood tomorrow over you ditching you job?"

"Nah, I told him it was a family emergency. You know those Zaccharas...they are literally crazy when it comes to family."

"You do know, don't you, that it was a dumb ass move to take a job with them."

"Don't start with me."

"Fine. Go and get yourself killed, go ahead. What's it to me?"

"I don't know. I doubt you even know."

"You're trying to turn this around on me. Make this about me instead of you and your lame mob boy job."

"It pays the bills. Not like people are beating down my door offering better employment."

"Jumping in front of bullets can hardly even be considered employment." Maxie actually considers being in the mob a sexy career path...but not for a guy she is trying to keep around, trying not to see buried like the ones who went before him.

"I'm a nurse, remember? I'm actually using some skills I picked up in Iraq. Making that nightmare worth something good. Besides this job ain't forever so lay off me. I don't need you telling me I screwed up again...not tonight." Logan stares out the windshield, not looking at her, and adds "Night, Maxie. Go get some sleep."

She opens the door and starts to get out, then turns around and leans close to Logan, as she remembered his earlier words.

"_Who do you think...you will hate more in the morning- me or yourself?"_

Maxie whispers to him "It's after midnight and I don't hate you or me. Do you think we have any chance at all of keeping it that way...for a while?"

"Slim to none."

"Slim...I'll take it." She kisses him quickly and then jumped out of the car. Giving him a little wave, she runs up the drive way and into the house. She smiles as she walks up to her room.

Logan might not be the one she thought could give her back a little hope, but he has done just that, cause when she is kissing him she doesn't see anyone in her head but him. It's a blessed relief.

She doesn't have to fake what she is feeling, she doesn't have to pretend Cooper and Georgie never existed like she does all day at work, she can just be...and then when they are arguing Coop and Georgie are right there with them and she can work through all her turbulent emotions, knowing he is working through his at the same time. They are in it together...at least she is praying to God he sees it that way. Because as much as Maxie does not want to need Logan, she's starting to think that she really does need him after all.

XXXXXXXXXXX

When Logan walks into his apartment, after dropping Maxie off, he immediately sits down on the couch, exhausted from the night's events. All he wants is a shower and bed but his eyes land on two pieces of paper sitting on his coffee table, folded up. The letters Coop wrote to him. He sent off the others but hasn't read his yet.

He didn't have the guts before, and now guilt gnaws at his chest. What would Coop think about what happened between Logan and Maxie tonight? He was a good man, he wanted Logan happy, but Coop had loved her. That came first for him, and their friendship had never been the same after Logan betrayed him. Logan almost thought that Coop stopped caring about him, stopped thinking of him as a brother, but now he knew that hadn't been true. His second letter, written in November 2007, is addressed _To my brother..._

Logan picks it up now. He still doesn't feel strong enough to read it but after being so close to Maxie, kissing her and making love to her, and letting her make his life better if only for a short time, Logan feels like he owes Coop something...because he knows he now has a chance with the woman they both fell so hard for and both lost. But Logan can get her back and keep her as long as he can manage...if he's brave enough to try...while Coop's chances have all run dry.

He unfolds the paper and finds out he picked up the earlier letter, written while they were in Iraq.

_March 23, 2005_

_Dear Logan, _

_I'm hoping you are reading this cause you're one curious bastard and broke your word to me to only open this if I'm gone. But if that's not the case, well, I hope I went out a hero._

_Did I save someone's life? Hope it was yours, buddy. _

_Not just cause you saved mine out there on the battle field but cause you got a lot to live for, whether you see it right now or not. You got to get home and find that family of yours. Find your new spot in the world. Make sure you do that and don't just get drunk every night and talk about how you are going to one day. You need family, Logan. We all do. You're family to me now. _

_Its hot as hell here today. Not a good day to die but we lost three guys in our unit anyway. That's what prompted these letters. Figured I better say what I need to before my number gets punched. I'm not scared to die. I just want to die with honor and want to leave behind a legacy. I'm thinking these letters and the people I love...that's my legacy. _

_We haven't known each other all that long but over here you bond fast. There's nobody who knows me like you do. Not now. Nobody who hasn't been over here really could get what we go through._

_So since you know me best, do me a favor, would you? Keep me alive. _

_If I don't make it to 85 or 90 years old, to the Florida sun back home in some retirement village, if this is all that's going to mark my life, well you go on without me and don't let me be forgotten. Name a kid after me or something. Drink a beer to your old army buddy. Call my mom on holidays. I know its asking a lot, but I'm asking anyway. I'll owe you one._

_Please send the rest of these letters to the people's whose names are on them. I'll leave the addresses for you, too. Thanks, Logan. Lets hope we both make it to old age and these letters turn yellow and faded. We can laugh about how damn fatalistic I was, and how you stayed drunk through the whole war but still saved my ass when I needed it. You kept me in this world and I can't ever reply you for that. But I'm going to try._

_Anyway, I got to get to chow now. Here's praying you're reading this for some other reason than my time ran out. But if it did, you take good care of yourself. And don't be so hard headed all of the time. Life can be good, if you let it. By the time you read this, I hope you've learned that for yourself._

_Cooper H. Barret_

_Life can be good, if you let it. _

The words repeat in Logan's head, as he chokes back tears. He's tried to find that good life before, but never really held it in his hands. He isn't sure he was made for the good life...and if he wasn't that what in the hell is he doing dragging Maxie into his bad one? Coop wouldn't do that.

But Logan isn't Coop. He's scared and selfish. He wants to hold on to Maxie but every time he tries a million doubts run though his mind. Its not what happened last year that has him gun shy, its what could happen now.

He could really start to count on her. Then lose her...like he lost Coop. If he doesn't care about anyone ever again, then he will be safe.

Logan wipes his tears away. Coop wouldn't want him to play it safe though. To look for another All- American type like Lulu who he can pretend is all he's been waiting for, who he can not feel all these out of control emotions over. Coop would want him to go for it all...but would he want him to go for it all with Maxie?

_Life can be good, if you let it._


	10. Chapter 10

**Move On and Break Down**

**Chapter Ten**

**May 2008**

_I do not need to see her._

Logan tells himself this every five minutes. He doesn't even try the lie: _I do not want to see her_.

He knows he wants to and he also knows its probably better if he stays away.

All day long, Logan works hard to keep his focus on anything else but Maxie. Still, like a moth, she flutters around inside of his head. The feeling is eerily familiar- it was just like this for him when they made the sex bet. He didn't_ want _to want her. Yet he did. And the wanting only grew stronger with each passing second back then until what was right and wrong no longer mattered a bit, till Coop and Lulu became afterthoughts in the whole scheme of things, and Logan knew he would destroy everything else he had in this world for the chance to be with Maxie just once.

He's been known to be a very obsessive man when it comes to love. What's his is_ his_ and there is no logic that can convince his heart otherwise. Though he keeps trying to convince himself that he's not going to let this thing with Maxie- whatever it is- get to that level, he knows it just a matter of time before it does.

Because there is nothing to stop them this time. There is no Coop to look at them with his trusting eyes-asking them to be better than they ever were born to be. There's nothing that will slow Logan and Maxie down if they unleash all their desires. That fact alone sets his bones rattling.

_What in the hell is am I getting myself into? I'm not ready to love her_, he thinks to himself, _and no matter what she says...that girl is looking for someone to love._

He's sure of it. Cause they are the same. And so far his whole life has been one long endless grasp for love, each time coming up empty handed in the end. He has come up empty so many times, in fact, that he's terrified to reach his hand out again.

Logan resists going to see Maxie for as long as he can, which equals just under twenty hours. But, at least, he finds a good excuse before going to the Crimson offices. Though, if this particular excuse hadn't landed in his lap, he would have drummed up another one because now that he's kissed her again the old familiar addiction is rearing its ugly head. And soon it won't matter if he wants to love her, if he wants to try, if he's ready or not, because the need will overwhelm his willpower. He can feel it building up with every minute that passes, and knows that soon...the dam will break.

_God help me...don't let this end in bloodshed._

Not literal blood. The broken hearted kind. He's made up of so many jagged pieces already, there is not much room in him for any more. And Logan doesn't want to be that guy to Maxie...that next guy who leaves her with scars.

He walks off the elevator at Crimson and spots Maxie sitting behind her desk. Since no one else is around he slowly walks up behind her and leans down by her ear "We got to talk."

She looks up at him. "No flowers? Didn't anyone ever teach you _day after _etiquette?"

"You want to bust my balls, do it later. We got some serious problems."

Maxie stands up and gives him a look that says_ Don't do this. Don't bring me down. Can't you see I need the opposite right now?_

Logan lets out a long breath. He was right. He wasn't gonna be good for her. And yet...he's also getting closer and closer to feeling like he doesn't give a damn...he wants her no matter what. This is why he had stayed so far away from Maxie for months, one taste would never be enough. That's another bad trait of his-one of the many- he's extremely greedy.

XXXXXXXXXXX

For the first day in months, Maxie Jones felt like somewhat closer to real. She was now one part Career Girl, and one part Broken Girl, and one part Recovering Girl. She was a decent mix of herself again and she liked it.

She started the day smiling but when hour after hour passed and Logan didn't call to say _Last night was fun. How are you feeling?_ Maxie started to get ticked.

Still she didn't let that mild annoyance wreck her lovely afterglow. For she had discovered a secret the night before...Logan wasn't just the guy who reminded her most of all she lost, he was also the guy who reminded her most of what she still had. He was her past, and her present. As for the future, she wouldn't dare try to dictate that. She knew better. Making plans was the one sure way to tip God off to what she wanted most...and what Maxie wants most, God has a strange proclivity for ripping away.

Maxie had been planning to go knock on Logan's door when she was done at work, and see if he wanted to hit the Haunted Star with her. She felt like living again, not just pretending to be alive. But he had to come in here instead and start giving her crap from the get go and talk about their problems.

_Hell,_ she thinks _Can this man just go one day without being all: The world is ending. Lets slit our wrists right now_.

_Probably not._

"Since when are you a big talker?" Maxie asks. She moves close to Logan, running her hand up his chest. "I thought you like _action._"

Her lips hover close to his. He starts to say "I'm serious..."

She whispers "Serious is no fun," as her mouth moves even closer to his, but she doesn't kiss him, instead she waits for him close the gap. Logan pulls her into his arms and devours her mouth with the ferocity of a man on death row whose just been given his last meal. She's the taste he craves most in the world, she knows it and she loves it. It makes her feel powerful, a feeling that she hasn't had since the day the text message killer trapped them on Spoon Island.

Logan is the one who breaks the kiss, with a crooked grin on his lips, he says "You've had your fix. Now listen to me."

"Fine! Since you'll only drive me crazy until I let you whine. What's our big problem now, Logan? Does it rhyme with Moo Moo?"

"What? No. Its got nothing to do with her." He walks over to her computer and clicks open a new window.

"What are you doing? Stop! You're gonna mess up my email to Federico about the fall line! Oh my God, you want to talk serious, Logan? This is serious. This is fashion!"

Maxie beats on his arm but he ignores her until he has the Port Charles Herald website pulled up, then he steps back and points at it.

She sees the picture before she even reads the headline, and a sour feeling churns through her stomach. The article is titled:

**Local Doctor Found Slain in Canada**

"But he was alive," Maxie breaths out. "I checked."

"Keep reading."

After skimming the article she finds out that Ian was shot to death and tossed in the woods near the bus stop. A local man was walking his dog early this morning and the animal sniffed out the body.

"Well, that's not our problem," she said. "Maybe Jason caught back up with him but if it was Jason, man, was he sloppy. Whatever, though, hit manning is not my thing. So who am I to judge?"

"I doubt it was Jason. Like you said, he wouldn't be much of a mob enforcer if when he made people disappear they didn't really disappear for good. He would have put Ian where nobody found him again. But somebody came along and killed the guy."

"I can't say I'm sad. I really thought Ian was gonna kill me before you showed up."

"You know I didn't kill him and I know you didn't kill him, Maxie. But both our fingerprints will be on his body, our hairs, fibers from our clothes...if anyone drove by and spotted us with him...we could go down for this."

"Mac won't let that happen."

"Your daddy is only police commish of Port Charles, not the world."

"Why are you being like this? You're making it sound like we're headed to Pentonville when no one might ever connect us to Ian. Only you know I ran into him, only I know you came and picked me up. If you trust me and I trust you...we're golden. No one will think to question us if no one knows we were there. Even if someone saw us, they just saw a blonde woman and a dark haired man. How many of those are there in this world? It was pitch black out too...I'm not letting you convince me we're doomed to prison."

"With our luck," Logan says "that's just what will go down."

"You ever seen the uniforms they make you wear in there? There's just no way to make that look cute. Besides, everything that happened was self defense. This time we weren't the guilty ones. All we have to do is keep our mouths shut. Spinelli and Jason certainly won't be running to the cops to mention I was at the bus stop. You're making a big deal out of nothing."

"You better hope you're right."

"Forget about Ian. I refuse to even think about getting pulled into an investigation of his death."

"Not thinking about something doesn't make it disappear, you should know that by now."

_Low blow_, Maxie silently tells him. She fights hard to not let her hurt show. "Why are trying to pick a fight with me? If you're only here to bring me down then you should just leave."

"So sorry for trying to save your ass from doing life behind bars."

"You're being completely over dramatic, Logan. As usual, with you, the sky is always falling! Don't you know how to just be happy?" Maxie grabs his hand and drags him into Kate's office and then locks the door. Pushing him up against the wall, she presses her body close to his. "Happy? You remember what that feels like right? It was just last night I made you pretty damn happy."

He brings his hands up to cup her face. Softly, he asks, in a low, throaty tone "You want to live in the land of denial, huh, Max?"

"This is the only reality I give a damn about right now," she whispers before bringing her lips to his.

The whole world is filled with reasons for Maxie Jones to be terrified and sad and pissed off...and there's only one way to stem those emotions from consuming her. She's found it now...here in his kisses...and she's not letting Logan take that away from her.

(_How can I carry the truth if I can't even crawl to you? _

_  
I wanna feel something _

_sweeter than this sin. _

_  
Cover me in leaves roll me over again. _

_  
I've been everybody else _

_now I want to be  
something closer to myself!_

Paint me in a different light.  
Shed me yet another coat of skin.  
Mark me with ash until I'm clean again. 

_  
Cause I'm so sick and tired _

_of being sick and tired. _

_  
I know I can love you,_

_I know that I can_)

(Kendall Payne from the soundtrack to Never Been Kissed)


	11. Chapter 11

**Note- This chapter is dedicated to Posionchik88, who inspired me to work more on this fic after she reviewed my other stories. I always struggle with Lomax, so that's why this hasn't been updated in a month.**

**Move On and Break Down**

**Chapter Eleven**

**May 2008**

Maxie needs Logan. She knows that now. There is no denying it anymore, so she won't even try. There is only one thing on earth that makes her heart stop aching and her soul stop feeling numb-and that one thing is Logan Hayes kissing her.

She's almost certain she does the same thing back for him.

But he's so damn pessimistic and bitter that he can't just enjoy the feeling. Can't just take his reprieve from being in constant pain and be thankful he found it. No. He has to look for ways to ruin it.

So less than twenty four hours after they made love- no, it was not just sex, she is a liar but she won't lie about that- he shows up at her job with some crazy theory that they are about to be arrested for a murder they didn't commit.

Maxie does not want to hear that garbage. She don't need another reason to feel terrified, or fear the morning that is coming. She wants Logan to give her what he did last night. His lips on her. Some peace of mind. A way to quiet the demons on her shoulders and ghosts in her head.

She pulls him into her Kate's office, knowing that if her boss walks in she will be_ so fired _but wanting him too much to let that stop her. Its already eight pm. Kate won't be back tonight anyway.

Maxie shoves Logan against the door.

"Happy?" she taunts him. "You remember what that feels like right? It was just last night I made you pretty damn happy."

His hands cup her face when he whispers "You want to live in the land of denial, huh, Max?"

"This is the only reality I give a damn about right now."

Her lips slam into his. There's nothing gentle about the way she kisses him. Nothing kind and soft. No sweetness. Nothing that feels like love. But there _is_ love there. Angry, jaded, untrusting, needy, desperate, uncompromising, sometimes shameless and sometimes shame filled, love. Maybe it is wrong to feel anything at all for him. Maybe its her ultimate sin.

Even knowing that won't stop her now though. Nothing can make her give him up another time. Not when she knows this. Not when she knows he can make her feel alive again.

Maxie kisses him fiercely. Doing her damn level best to show him the version of love that she can offer him now- imperfect but real.

_Don't be an idiot_, she silently tells him, _Take it. Take me._

XXXXXXXXXX

Logan grabs her by both arms, his mouth never leaving hers, and yanks her close to him. Then he twists them around, so she is the one with her back against the door. He jerks away from her. His eyes zone in on her mouth- the short little gasps of air she is letting out, how her lipstick is smeared. He nearly groans out loud when her tongue darts out and swipes over her bottom lip.

He wants to see her only as someone to screw around with...he wants to make that lie work for him. Take the easy way out another time. But he just can't quite go there in his mind. For as much as Logan lies, its impossible to lie to himself right now about what this second chance with Maxie means to him.

Her every kiss brings him back to the land of the living.

Logan knows he does not deserve her kisses. He knows that most other men would walk away from her, out of respect for Cooper, if nothing else.

He's a selfish bastard for taking up again with his best friend's girl, now that his best friend is too dead to put up a fight for her. So what? He's been worse before. _Over her. _He's been every shade of wrong already. What's one more?

Justifications. He's so very good at them. He just needs to string together enough to make this be okay.

She grabs his shirt and presses her hands up underneath it. "Get this off. Now."

A slow grin curves over his lips. He reaches behind her and quickly slides down the zipper on her dress. "You first."

With a smirk, she takes his dare and pushes her dress off her shoulders, letting it pool around her feet. She steps out of it.

His eyes move down her body, as he swallows hard at the sight of her in a pink thong and strapless bra. Logan's hands cup her face and he is just about to kiss her when she makes a sound that stops him.

Maxie smiles. "Strip for me."

With his eyes locked on hers, Logan steps back and peels off his shirt. He kicks off his shoes. Holding his hands out to his sides, he silently conveys to her that if she wants his pants off, then she will have to flick open the button. She takes a few steps, till she is pressed flush against him, and does just that, then slowly slides down the zipper. Her hand brushes over him but she moves back quickly.

He wants her hand back on him so bad that he tries to slide out of his jeans in record speed and only ends up falling on the floor. With a giddy, carefree laugh Maxie straddles him and says "You are such a mess...you know that right? A walking disaster."

"Believe me, I'm aware, darlin."

She leans down. Her bra clad nipples rub against his chest, as she nips at his ear and whispers "But you're my disaster." She sits up slightly, so that there eyes can meet, as the moonlight streams in the window over them. "Aren't you?"

XXXXXXXXXX

Maxie knows she is just asking for trouble. She should just take the sex he is offering and leave it at that. But sex will not save her life. And it sure as hell won't save her soul. She needs him for more than just for sex and, God help her, she is gonna have this crazy, reckless man as her own. This time around he will belong just to her.

Logan eyes bore into hers, but he doesn't say a word. Instead his hands come up and undo her bra, letting it fall off of her. His hands cover her breasts.

Her hands cover his. "Say it, Logan. Don't hold out on me...don't you dare."

He caresses her, still staying silent. She bites her lips as his ministrations send sparks shooting through her.

Maxie whispers, as her voices cracks with emotion, and her hips grind down against him. "You know you are...you know it."

_Why does he have to make this all so hard_? she asks herself, just as he starts to massage her faster and rougher. Her hands run through her own hair as she cries out in pleasure and arches her back, pressing her breasts more into his hands.

The past, the future, the pain, the tears, the lies, what he has said before, and what he won't say now, all disappear as Logan rolls her over and brings his mouth to hers. She's too caught up in his kisses to fight with him anymore. It feels so damn good to be kissed by this man...no wonder he can make her go half crazy...anyone would go crazy over kisses like this.

XXXXXXXXX

His mouth is a secret weapon he can use to make her stop thinking, and so he does. Logan knows he should have just told Maxie the truth: _Yeah, I'm yours. You ain't noticed that by now?_

But he couldn't get the words out.

For if he breaks her this time, there will be no Coop to come and save her. She'll be left in pieces and it will be all his fault. Still...he's gonna risk it anyway. Cause he isn't strong enough to turn and walk away. She's offering him a shot at salvation. Even if he thinks he don't deserve it and it can't last, he's gonna take it anyway.

His mouth breaks away from hers and starts to kiss down her body. Every place his lips touch he treats like a precious discovery...like this is the first time all over again...but this time its not a hot, sweaty, hard, fast, dirty little afternoon screw...this time he makes love to her, like he did the night before in his truck. For if Logan is diving back into madness with Maxie, it will not be just for the sake of a quick fuck. If she is his now...then she gets all of him...his mixed up mind, his tattered heart, his bruised soul and broken spirit...and his love.

_All or Nothing. Take it or leave it_, he silently tells her as he slides inside of her and her legs wrap around his back_. You really want this, girl? _His eyes met hers_. You think you can handle me loving you?_

Almost as if she can read the questions in his eyes, Maxie tells him "Yes."

He starts to move in her and, for a little while there, life does make sense to Logan. This is why he didn't die yet..._her._

Maxie still needs him around.


	12. Chapter 12

**Move On and Break Down**

**Chapter Twelve**

**May 2008**

Maxie fell asleep in Logan's arms, laying on the floor of Kate's office, but she wakes up alone. Glancing at the clock she sees its been about four hours. Her body aches. She gets up slowly, grabs her bra and shoves it in her purse, then slips her dress back on.

_What in the hell? He didn't really just leave me here, did he? _she asks herself. _I'll claw his eyes out and then cut his dick off. Or maybe I'll do that while he still has his eyes, so he can see me doing it. Damn bastard._

She hears the elevator open and rushes out into the foyer, slowing down the second she sees Logan, and acting like she could careless that he is back. "Get the munchies? Run out for fast food while I was laying naked on Kate's office floor?"

He rolls his eyes at her, then pulls a hotel key out of his pocket.

Maxie says "Oh."

"Yeah, I figured my place is way too far to make it to tonight. I just want to crash ... and, you know, as great as that floor was to me, its not the most comfortable spot to sleep in. I thought my damn back was thrown out when I woke up."

"Well, you can get to bed after you help me make this place look like we were never here," she says as she heads back in the office. "Where are my heels? And we can't leave till we find my thong. You know, pulling it off with your teeth was really hot but where in the hell did you toss it?"

Logan yawns. "Come on, now. I'm tired. Leave it for morning."

"You must be _joking_. Like Kate won't fire my ass if she finds that. Look! You took it off. You should know at least what general direction you flung it in."

He shakes his head, wearily, and flips on the light. They manage to find the thong on a book shelf and the heels under the desk. A few minutes later they have everything cleaned up

Maxie says "No more stopping by my job for you. Got it?"

"You don't mean that."

"I like this job and I want to keep it. You aren't gonna mess it up for me."

"What if I promise to behave when I come by?"

She raises her eyebrow at him. "Sell that crock of bull somewhere else. I_ know_ you."

He smiles. "Fine. Whatever. No more late nights on your boss' floor. Got it. Now can we go to bed?"

Maxie walks past him. "Nighty night. Sleep tight. Call me tomorrow or else."

He reaches out, wraps his fingers around her wrists, and turns her back around to face him. "Where you going?"

"Home. Duh."

"Okay. What's your deal now?"

"What's yours?"

He lets out a long breath. "Girl, its three in the morning. Stop playing games."

"Its twelve-thirty."

"It feels later. I'm way too wiped out to go five rounds with you so lets cut this to the chase, all right?" He pulls her body right against his, causing her to give a little yelp of shock. "_Aren't you? Say it. Damn you_. That's what this is about, isn't it?"

"Look at you. A certified genius."

"What do you want to hear from me?"

"Not that." She struggles to get out of his arms but he only holds her tighter. "Forget it. Its too late now!"

"So...you're giving up? Just like that? This little thing between us...its done?"

"Ha! You're not getting off the hook so easy. I'm just pissed and I don't want to look at you right now." She pushes him away and he lets her go.

Maxie grabs her purse and heads for the door. Logan rushes close to her again, wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her body back against his. He whispers into her ear "You're not running out on me."

"I'll do whatever the hell I want."

"Not if you want to be with me you won't. Hey...look at me." He eases her around.

Her eyes search his.

Logan swallows hard and then says "You tell _me_ something...what just happened in there...what did that feel like to you?"

She refuses to answer him, like he did to her earlier.

He sighs and looks up, exasperated."The death of me. You're gonna be the death of me, Maxie Jones."

She frantically grasps his face, titling it down to look at her, and cries out, with her voice breaking, "No, I'm not."

He whispers, as he leans his forehead against hers. "I didn't mean it like that. You just...drive me nuts."

Maxie smiles through her tears as she steps back from him. "I give you the best sex of your life. I make your little existence worthwhile. I let you rescue me from a psycho doctor so you can feel like my hero. And you can't even say you want me. Here's a clue, Logan. I'm not the one who messed up this time. Now, spit it out, do you want to be with me or not?"

Logan gives her a long look filled with confusion and pain.

This sets Maxie off and she rants "Don't even get me started on all the times I had to listen to you moan and groan and shout it from the highest roof tops how much you wanted Lulu. You would tell anyone who would listen. I bet the freaking mailman and pizza delivery boy know Logan Hayes hearts Lulu Spencer. But me? I can be naked on your lap and I get silence. Yeah, I'm so going home right now."

She walks over to the elevator and punches the button.

Logan calls out "All right, damn it, woman, I want you! Are you happy now?"

The elevator doors open. Maxie walks in. She flips him off. The doors close.

Logan just shakes his head and thinks _Well, I could have handled that better_.

XXXXXXXXX

"Idiot," Maxie mumbles to herself about Logan as she rides the elevator down to the lobby.

_There is no way that man does not feel just as much for me as I feel for him. I won't believe it. He's just a stubborn jackass who won't admit it. Well, he will before I get through with his ass, _Maxie vows_, He can bet on that_.

She leans back against the wall. Her head fills with images of them kissing and Logan hovering over her, his bitter light eyes locked on hers. She smiles as a tingling sensation dances up and down her spine.

_God, I need him. I need to feel this much. I need to have something matter again. I need to be angry enough to scream and on fire enough to let him take me against a brick wall in some dirty alley if that's where we end up. I want to take deep breaths again. To hurt again. To stop hurting so much. To just be real, _she thinks to herself._ Logan isn't taking all that away from me. He better get his stuff together._

She steps off the elevator, walks over to the couch, sits down and crosses her legs. Maxie yawns as she thinks _Well, hurry up already, Logan. I need my beauty sleep. I'm not getting bags under my eyes over you. _

XXXXXXXXXXX

Logan rushes down the stairs. After twenty flights, he nearly passes out. Giving up on that, he heads to the elevator again and takes it to the lobby. On the way down, he thinks _Okay, you know what she wants to hear. Just stop being a jackass. This is Maxie, for God sake's. Are you scared of her? Come on now! Just say it already. SAY IT! _

The elevator doors open and he runs through the lobby. He hits the doors when he stops suddenly and turns around, realizing he just passed Maxie, who is sitting on a couch, filing her nails.

He lets out a short laugh as he walks over to her. "You think you're funny, don't you?"

She just looks up at him, giving him a steady stare that says _Talk, buster, and make it good._

Logan kneels in front of her. He takes her hand, tossing the nail file on the couch next to her. He stares into her eyes for a long moment, not caring at all that the hotel desk clerk is gaping at them.

Maxie's breathing changes, getting more shallow.

"Me and you," Logan starts "we're like vodka and fire. You don't throw one on the other to put it out. I know that but I don't care. I don't care that we're both fucked up and that this will all be messy."

She keeps staring at him, wanting to hear more.

Logan says "I'm not playing a game on you this time. You know that and I don't get why I have to get down on my hands and knees and be making a fool out of myself to tell you what you already know."

"If you don't want to, then I can just leave." She starts to stand up. He yanks her back down.

"You ain't going no where." His voice grows very soft. "Maxie...I want to be with you and I want it to be for real this time. So stop giving me a freaking hard time and lets just try, okay? Can we just try?"

She tackles him, pushing him to the ground and kisses him.

The hotel clerk gasps.

Maxie smiles and tells Logan "I guess so." She shrugs. "I mean...whatever...if you want to. Doesn't matter to me either way."

He smiles. "What a freaking liar." Then he kisses her again.

Finally she crawls off of him and stands up. She grabs her purse. He stands up and before she can head for the door, he picks her up and tosses her over his shoulder. He heads for the elevator, shooting the clerk a dirty look and asking "What the hell are you looking at?"

Logan sets Maxie down inside the elevator. She giggles and leans against him. "Don't be dragging me around, loser."

He slaps her ass. "Us losers just don't know any better."

They get into the room and she says "Well I'm wide awake now so I'm gonna take a shower."

Maxie heads into the bathroom. A minute later the water comes on.

Logan stands outside the door, frozen in place, as he imagines the hot, sudsy water washing over her body.

She calls out "Hayes!"

"Yeah."

"What in the hell is taking you so long? Get in here."

With a grin, he pushes open the door and finds her naked in a shower that is just starting to steam up.

_She was so worth going after,_ he thinks to himself. _She is one crazy chick...but she's my crazy chick and I'm her walking disaster_..._and nothing is keeping me away from her from now on._

(_Oh I watch you there  
through the window  
and I stare at you_

_  
You wear nothing but you  
wear it so well_

_  
Tied up and twisted  
the way I'd like to be  
for you, _

_for me_

_Come crash into me) _( Dave Matthews Band)

Note- Just one more chapter left.


	13. Chapter 13

**Move On and Break Down**

**Epilogue- Four years later**

**February 2012**

Kneeling by the grave, Maxie pushes the snow off and reads her sister's name. Though she can't visit Cooper in this same cemetery, because he was cremated, she thinks of him every time she visits Georgie. They are linked forever in her mind now...her sister and her love...both victims of the same man, both young and beautiful forever now. But Maxie would have preferred to see them wrinkle and go gray before her eyes.

Life has been good to her since they died. That's something she used to have a hard time dealing with. Why should she get a great best friend in Spinelli...when Georgie was the one in love with him?

Why should she get to the prestige of a kick ass job writing copy for a nationally known fashion magazine and the chance to have her name put on a clothing line with Lucy Coe's money backing her? Georgie was the smart one with the big dreams. Maxie didn't even finish college.

Why should Maxie get to fall in love, get another thousand kisses and nights of sensual bliss? Why didn't Cooper live so she could love him? How dare she end up with his best friend. The nerve of her. It should make her feel like the guiltiest woman on earth. But she just can't. She can't sacrifice today's happiness because of yesterday's pain.

She learned that on the day her son was born. The first time she ever looked into Cooper George Hayes light blue eyes she felt her heart warm right in her chest and every broken spot in her soul heal.

Logan offers her his leather gloved hand, she takes it and stands up. He says "About ready to get out of here, Max? Damn, its freezing today."

"Stop being such a whiner," she teases him.

Logan looks up and says "Do you hear how she talks to me, Georgie?"

"Don't try and get my sister on your side. She's always on my side first."

"Fine then Cooper is on my side first."

"Nope. Mine too." She sticks her tongue out at him.

Growing serious, Logan brushes a strand a hair behind her ear. His voice cracks a little when he says "Four years...and it still freaking sucks as much as the first day."

She whispers "Yeah, it does. It always will."

Her eyes search his...she knows him better than anyone else on earth and loves him more than she thought she ever would... but still its not like they are settled down and comfortable. They aren't married, just co-parents. They've been in love and in hate and together and broken up. They have been "on a break" since Christmas this time. She had built up all these fantasies in her head that he was going to propose this year and when he didn't she picked a fight with him about how he was such a loser for still not having a real career. He worked security at The Haunted Star. He told her if she didn't like him as is then he could just leave. She screamed _Then get the hell out! _and he had.

That didn't stop him from coming by every day to see their son Coop and meeting Maxie here on the anniversary of Cooper's death. It was their annual tradition and no matter what they felt for each other, they would both always love Cooper too much to forget about him on this day.

Nodding toward their cars, that are parked next to each other, Logan says "Time to go."

Maxie raises her fingers to her lips, kisses them and then touches the headstone. "Look out for me, baby sister."

With that she heads for her car, wishing that Logan would wrap his arm around her waist, but he doesn't. She starts to get into her car and he calls out "Hey...alright if I stop by and tell Coop good night?"

"You don't have some slut you need to see tonight?"

"Don't do that. You know..."

"What do I know? I'm the only one for you ever? No. I don't know that at all." Maxie climbs into her car. A moment later she is flying out of the cemetery, leaving Logan standing there in the cold staring after her.

XXXXXX

Thirty minutes later, Logan stands on Maxie's porch. Her father bought her this house two years ago, when she was six months pregnant. In Mac's eyes that was another time Logan let Maxie down. He couldn't even afford a home for her and their kid.

Of course, Mac has no clue that Logan started taking classes at PCU in January. One day he would have his law degree, even if it took another ten years at his rate. Maxie knows about the classes and swears she will follow his demands to keep it secret from everyone.

Logan bounces nervously on his heels as he raises his hand to knock on the door of the home he used to live in till two months before. He would like to say he has no clue why Maxie is so pissed at him. But he does know. She wants a ring. She wants forever...with him. The thought of that steals the very breath from his chest.

How can he good enough to deserve forever with her?

Every time, for the last two damn years, that he has worked up the guts to ask her to marry him, the words died on his tongue before he could get them out. She thinks that means he doesn't love her or want her. But he loves and wants her too much. He isn't sure he can ever make her really happy...as happy as Cooper would, for that is his standard.

So instead he moves in and out of her life, staying at Kelly's for months at a time, until he misses her so much that he ends up pushing her against the closest flat surface and kissing her till all her limbs wrap around him and she forgets she is supposed to be hating him still.

_Knock. Knock_.

She pulls open the door and her eyes look red, as if she had been sobbing. He can't stand to see her like that. He breaths out her name "Maxie..."

"Coop's just about down for the count. You better hurry upstairs if you want to catch him awake. But don't you dare get him wound up!"

Logan walks inside and brushes past her. He longs to take her in his arms but he figures he doesn't have the right anymore. They can't keep going back and forth like this. Its not fair to Coop or Maxie. To build their hopes up and crush them, over and over. Logan never thought he'd be such a bad family man...when all he wants is to be a good one.

Taking the stairs, two at a time, he walks up to the second floor and into his son's room. He smiles as soon as the little blonde haired boy comes into view. His face is turned sideways and he's sucking on his thumb. Logan says softly "Hey, baby boy."

His son's eyes flutter back open and he says "Dada." He smiles and yawns.

Logan kisses his head. "Go back to sleep. Daddy loves you, Coop."

When Logan goes back downstairs, Maxie is sitting on the sofa watching Project Runway. He walks over and flips off the tv, then sits next to her.

She complains "Hey! You know that's my favorite show."

"We got to work some things out."

"Go away." She crosses her arms over her chest."You're just feeling guilty cause it's the anniversary of Cooper's death. This is guilt talking not love."

He gently places his hand under her chin and makes her look at him. "Say that to my face."

"You're feeling guilty as hell. There. I said it."

"No. The other part. Say you don't think I love you, Maxie."

She looks down. He takes his hand away and adds "Yeah, that's what I thought."

"You left. Again!"

"You threw me out. Again!"

"I wouldn't be able to throw you out if you really wanted to be here."

"How does that work? You tell me to leave and I handcuff myself to headboard and refuse?"

"It would prove you cared."

"I do freaking care! I more than care. The two people I love most in the world are in this house. You think I like moving out on you and Coop? You think I'm not torn in two thinking you're about to find some other guy to play Daddy to my kid? To be the man you deserve? To be everything I'll never be any good at? I don't want to keep going round and round with you like this for the rest of our lives. I want things to calm down. For your sake and for mine...but most of all for our son. I want to give him a family he can count on."

"Logan, that's not good enough. You can't move back for Coop. We don't work. I...God, I wish we did. I fought so many times with Mac over you. Swore on a stack of bibles you loved me and we would make it. But...we aren't gonna, are we?" Her voice broke as she spoke.

"Do you want to give up on us?"

His breath stills as he waits for her answer.

All he gets is the sound of her crying as a response. He pulls Maxie closer to him and wipes away her tears. "Don't give up, Max."

"I don't want to but I can't keep waiting forever for you to be ready. Why can't you just...jump? Do you really think that your son and me are gonna let you hit the ground and not catch you? Why can't you believe in our family?"

He leaned his forehead against hers. "You're all I want...believe that...You're the one for me, Max. I just don't think I was supposed to be the one for you." For the first time ever, he admits to her what she already knows anyway but he couldn't say aloud before "It feels like I stole Cooper's life and if I marry you...and if I break you...I'll be the bastard your father thinks I am."

"You're breaking me every time you walk out that door. This is your home, Logan. Stay. Cooper wanted you to have a life that makes you happy and he wanted that for me too. But this push and pull is killing me! I don't have another try left in me...not after right now...So are you finally ready to step up or is it time to admit...this isn't where you want to be after all? I'm not who you want to spend the rest of your life with."

He grabs her face and looks deep into her eyes. "You are! Don't ever say that again."

"You're gonna have to convince me cause I'm not buying it."

His mouth crashes into hers and they kiss, frantically ripping off their clothes as they do. Soon she is on his lap and they begin moving in a very fast, desperate paced rhythm. Maxie sucks and bites his neck, marking him and claiming him as hers all over again. His mouth fuses with hers and she moans into his mouth before shuddering to a climax. Breathing heavy, she rests her head on his shoulder.

"Logan..."

"Yeah..."

"Don't you dare even think about leaving me again. No matter what I say about not needing you...I'm lying...cause I hate my life when you're gone."

"I won't ever walk out again, I swear."

And this time he is not lying to her or himself.

XXXXXXXXXXX

**May 2012**

Maxie just plain gave up on Logan asking her to marry him. Day to day life with him is amazingly good. They are like that though. Either they are at their best together or their worst. Since all their fights for the last year have centered around her secretly wanting to be his wife, and not his live in girlfriend, she finally lets that go and they start to get along all the time, instead of off-again and on-again, like they had become known for.

Exactly four years to the day that Maxie Jones found Logan Hayes removing letters from Cooper Barrett's old room above Kelly's, Maxie walks into Cooper Hayes bedroom and finds her son standing in his crib, smiling at her.

She picks him up saying "Good morning, baby boy," then notices his shirt. Bright crooked letters stare back at her. "What in the world did Daddy put on you?" She reads it aloud "Will you marry my Daddy?"

Standing in the doorway, Logan, dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, asks "Yeah...what do you say...will ya?"

Tears form in her eyes. She starts shaking. He takes the baby from her. Maxie breathes out, softly, "I thought you left for class already."

"And miss your answer? Nah, I'll be late today."

She raises her hand and cups his cheek. "Do you know what in the hell you are doing?"

"Yeah, I'm asking you to be my wife."

Cooper giggles.

Logan says "Our kid likes the idea." He nervously searches Maxie's eyes. "Too late?"

She bites her lips and shakes her head, no. "Just in the nick of time."

Shaking his head, Logan whispers, tearfully, "Well, damn, that was close."

She moves close to him and gives him a quick kiss and then tells Coop "Your Daddy is gonna make us a real family...finally."

Logan tells her "You were always my real family, even when I couldn't stand you...even when you weren't even my girl."

Maxie smiles. "You are so perfect and so crazy, so slow and so fast, so right and so wrong...but I love you...I love your crazy ass and you better never leave me again."

He pulls a ring out of his pocket. "Put this on and I won't. You'll be stuck with me, Max. So you better be sure. No welching on this agreement when you get pissed off at me again."

She slides it on. "I'm no welcher, you know that."

Logan tells their son. "Well, she caught me. I'm on lock down for life now."

Coop kisses him, sloppily, on the cheek, completely unaware of what they are talking about but just happy cause his Mom and Dad are both there with him. Cooper George Hayes was the first person on earth to ever be happy every single time Logan came into a room. Logan lived for the smile on his son's face when Coop sees him...and for the smile on Maxie's when she curls into his arms in bed at night and seems to be just where she wants to be most.

Maxie laughs and kisses Logan's other cheek. She murmurs into his ear "I'm glad it ended up being you."

Logan's eyes widen and then get teary. Maxie doesn't say another word, as they head downstairs for her to feed their child and him to leave for class. She is sure Logan knows what she meant by her words...cause he always did know her best.

**THE END**

_Thanks for reading this story. There was a time I didn't know if I would be able to finish it. I'm happy I found an ending for this fic. Hope you liked it. Thank you to all of you who took the time to review._

Sara

**THE END**


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